I am learning to trust God more and more each day. I confess my doubts to Him in prayer because he knows them already. I love Jesus and I know he is my friend but I doubt sometimes that he will answer my prayers. I Have gone through many trials and have asked for things that were a clear “No” or not right now.
Honestly, these were the hardest moments in life. I went through much anxiety, discouragement and heartaches because I would not give my problems to Jesus. God allowed this to show me that I could face hard things and that no matter what, He was and is always right beside me no matter how tough things get.
Today I face a trail that is ongoing. I continue to get headaches and am fatigued for no reason. I ask God over and over to take away whatever it is that causes this in my body and to heal me. The answer maybe no, but I don’t feel that in my sou I believe it is a not right now (Job’s sickness lasted a while)l. I believe God will heal me and so I will persist in asking. My headaches and fatigue along with other aches take me away from being the mother I desire to be. I want to be able to cook, clean, wash laundry, make bread, spend time with my kids, garden and so much more. Some times this sickness keeps me from persuing these things. Some times I get a sinful attitude! I work harder each time I go through these trials of headaches and sicknesses to be more like Jesus and remain loving in my ailments. I am getting better at it but I still fall short.
I used to always think that I coud do anything and no one was going to stop me. Now I am at the mercy of my own body. I am not sad I am sick, it is just hard when I go through it. There was a time I was resentful of being sick and was willing to try things to be get better that I shouldn’t of done on my own. I realized my resentment put a wedge between me and God and I asked for forgiveness many times because it was an ongoing battle for a few years.
I have come to a place where I know I can get through this because Jesus is with me. I know what to expect from this sickness and I know how to get through life with it. God has used this in so many ways to benefit our family. My children know how to be good servants and help others. They love to take care of people who can’t do for themselves and they also have a lot of compassion, sympathy and love for others. The older 2 children know how to cook and run my house if I am down. I know to some this might seem like a big responsibility for 2 tween children who were 7 and 8 when my sickness started, but I assure you it is not. They still enjoy playing with their siblings and now making short skits (movies). I realized along the way that I can’t do everything for my children and expect them to grow up to be able to run their own house. They need their own practise as well. Had it not been for this sickness, I think I would have done almost everything for my children and just enjoyed their company.
But God had other plans for us. If you are a mother and you are struggling with a sickness or depression, know that God can get you through your trial. He is right beside you even when you do not feel His presence. He may seem far away but I assure you that that is your flesh and not from Him. Walk faithfully with your God and he will see you through the deepest darkest days you may know. If you feel like you’ve lost all hope, their is hope in Jesus. Just keep your eyes on him and don’t take them off of him to look at yourself or your situation. Ask him for your needs. He may not take away the mountain in your life but he will provide a way over it. Take your day 1 minute at a time and rest when you need to. The world may judge what you are going through and think they know things that they clearly don’t. Push these people our of your mind and don’t let them discourage you. May God grant you His peace as you rest in Him.